I like reviews. Reading a good review is like having an opinion without effort. If you’re ever in doubt about what to think, why not quote a review and pass it off as your own? As it happens, I was shortly distracted from writing this blog post because I was buying a gift for my brother-in-law. It’s almost his birthday, you see, and Mrs Missouri and I were looking at different versions of the gift we are getting him. In order to persuade her to go after my version, I decided to read her an excellent review of the product. I’ll copy it here, and then you can guess what we’re buying.
I have a very athletic grandson who’s a teenager. Loves everything to be Nike. It’s for his birthday that is forthcoming and I know I have exactly the right gift. -Shoppingzak, NY (age: over 60)
That’s the entire review. She gives the Nike thing five out of five stars. For comparison, my newly declared favorite American novel, The Great Gatsby, gets just four out of five stars. A Nike hoodie trumps an all American classic, and for all the right reasons, too. What else would you ever want to know about a future piece of clothing if it’s casually assumed to be pre-approved by Shoppingzak’s grandson? I bet that’s not even her real name.
I decided to review Thanksgiving for y’all, as I’m really the only person who could. My judgment isn’t clouded by past family experiences, I have never eaten turkey other than on a sandwich, and have no white guild towards Native Americans. Well, until now. I’ll think about it for next year. Maybe I should. At least my Thanksgiving was free of white guild anxiety related issues, so I guess the review is still on. Without further a due, let me present the yard stick that will measure American holidays from now on.
Does it live up to the image portrayed in pop culture?
As every sitcom has a Thanksgiving special, I did have some expectations. Luckily, some of the ‘misunderstandings’ that might arise and carry an episode of any sitcom (Who cuts the Turkey? Who cooks? Who accidentally invited nasty uncle Johnny?), were already ironed out before they could start to be hilarious. Turns out, that is about the core premise of a sitcom. Who knew. What did happen, though, was the round where everybody lists what they’re thankful for, so that part did live up to pop culture expectations.
How is the food?
Yummy. The turkey was good, there were traditional cranberries, traditional mashed potatoes, and the traditional ‘no utensils for Dutch people’. Or so they told me.
In the days leading up to Thanksgiving, I was asked by several people, including the lady who cut my hair, what I was doing for Thanksgiving. Can someone please answer me what you’re supposed to answer to that? Doesn’t everyone do the exact same thing? You eat, you feel bad about eating too much, and you take half a nap while watching football.
How are the sales?
Excellent. Black Friday, where we assemble the things to be thankful for the coming year, was crazy, I’ve heard. I went driving around looking for a great deal we saw in an ad, but all the places were sold out (apart from one). The good thing about visiting several mattress stores, however, is that they’re basically the emptiest kind of stores that exist. I have never in my life seen more than four people in a mattress store at the same time. Maybe it’s against the law, but even on Black Friday, the ‘busiest shopping day of the year’, there was nobody shopping at the stores (and still they were sold out).
Would you do it again?
Yes. As if I have a choice. To be fair, it is always good to be with friends and family and have good food. It doesn’t really matter what fairy tales you surround the holiday with, as long as you get to eat and wear after-dinner sweatpants. For an extensive dinner and a day off, this holiday is great. Apart from that, there’s not enough to celebrate. Three out of five stars.
P.S. Blonde Zooey Deschanel gets 4 out of 5 stars.